Powerlessness

I haven’t written anything for a while, and thought I better get back to it!

Recently I have been dealing with a lot of powerlessness. My Grandma, Nellie, has been diagnosed with Bowel Cancer. The word cancer and Nellie don’t mix. This is a woman who is so fit, so healthy, certainly doesn’t act her age nor look it and to be told she has the C word is quite baffling. It I could laugh I would, but I can’t.

For anyone who knows someone who has been down this path or has been down this path themselves, will understand the feeling of powerlessness. Not being able to do anything, no words, no actions, prayers, nor wishing will change what is happening now. We can not turn around and stop and think of a plan. We have to keep going along, forced to move on this slow moving conveyor belt of not knowing and not been given all the information. It’s frustrating, stressful, painful, stomach-ulcerating, angering process. The what if’s and when’s and how long’s along with the silent moments, um-ming and aah-ring are being all to familiar in how we speak to one another now.

Life consists of waking up, auto pilot on, eat, work, hospital, wait, home, eat, bed and start again. Although this may be a process or a routine, its not, everyday is different, everything is uncertain and people need to be informed and kept up to date. It is constant. There is no quiet time to process, to think about everything, to really take in what is happening. It is just us and the conveyor belt, moving forwards- to where, we don’t know.

For someone like me, powerlessness is dangerous.  For an addict, powerlessness is life or death. When things become out of our control, it is our routine that keeps us clean. Stable. Together. I feel like my routine is crumbling away and I can’t catch the crumbling pieces quick enough. Life is just about manageable- but now cancer is involved.

More and more I think about drinking. The addict voice in my head is strong and using the pain I feel about Nellie, to lure me in a false sense of safety and to drink to take the pain away. Oblivion is where it wants to take me, and sometimes that is quite appealing. More and more I have nightmares about the ‘old’ times, the lying to get drink, the sneaking it in to the house, pretending to act ‘sober’, and constantly checking the bottle is still hidden in my pillow case, quick swig and then back down stairs so no one notices. I am paranoid I am using without knowing it, am I taking more paracetamol that I should? Do I really have a headache? Did I check to see if the mouth wash I bought was ‘Alcohol Free’ and did I swallow it because I in a rush or did I want to swallow it?

An NA member would tell me to go to a meeting, but I cant go to one of them. I used to, religiously but I cant any more. They make me feel worse for reasons I will tell you, but not right now. It is still too painful.

I am not saying I am the victim in all of this or by any means making it about me. If I don’t let out how I feel, then I will break, and most likely destroy everything around me.

If this is what I am feeling, I cant imagine what Nellie is going through. This amazing woman has her whole life completely changed. Its changed us all.

Resisting the Sweet Nectar

A couple of years back, I couldn’t imagine living a life clean. I was in the deepest, darkest place with no way out. I drank everyday in a continuous loop of depression and despair and if I am honest, was just waiting for death to come and take me away. I was ready. I was already destroying my family, at least this way it would get worse but then get better. They would be able to move on with their lives and start a fresh, without having to worry about me any more. Selfish as that is to say, death is always the easiest way out of addiction. No longer would I have to listen to the voices in my head telling me how worthless I was.

But then something happened. The smallest glimmer of hope struck me and for a second I imagined a life without active addiction, happy and with my family back in my life. Having trust back, and love.

You sort of know the rest. 6 months in rehab and then a year in a dry house before being set free to continue my new, clean life.

The reason why I am talking about this is because something happened the other day, that I am so proud about and I want to tell people.

I should say that I am OK to be around alcohol. Its not like I am a vampire with the smell turning my eyes deep red and lose all humanity and go in for the kill!

So I was making my mum a G&T, something that I don’t really do possibly the fear of what could happen, like having a quick swig while no one is looking. It wouldn’t be hard, because I have gained my family’s trust back. It would be so easy. (that’s the addict voice talking)

Anyway as I was pouring a shot worth of the nectar, some had spilt on my fingers. Now usually any ‘normal’ person would just suck the excess off their fingers- like you do when you have sticky ribs or eating a juicy pear, to get every last bit. I can’t do that, but that isn’t my primary instinct. I’m cautious, I think about my actions and what I am doing. As if by magic, I just casually walked over and ran the tap & washed my hands (at this point though I was aware of what happened, like my sub concious came in to play, took my concious to one side, moved me to the sink and then disappeared & then I was back in the room). I then thoroughly-paranoia possibly got to me a bit-washed my hands just in case the alcohol seeped into my skin and poisoned my clean time !

I went back to add the tonic and ice cubes and handed the glass to my mum as if nothing happened. Not really properly acknowledging the will power I had just shown, how I never even realised how crucial those minutes before were. It could have been catastrophic.

For some time I have doubted my worth, my commitment to my recovery. Doubting whether I am strong enough to not succumb to temptation. I’ve recently had thoughts that I’m not an addict at all, it was just ‘problematic’ for a little while, but I’m cured now. (Haha yeh right- the dreaded addict voice again) Believe it or not my behaviours have changed. I can control myself, and I can protect my clean time.

Whilst telling my boyfriend about the act, I’ve realised since I got clean, I’ve rarely patted myself on the back about how well I’ve done- yet another day, week, month, YEAR and still clean. I rarely allow others to share some admiration they have for me. (You should know I am extremely uncomfortable around compliments or attention on me) I am damn proud of those actions. I didn’t succumb to the powerful nectar!

Every since I got clean, I have been fearful of situations like these, and don’t really put myself in them. Now I know I can make it through.

I am living proof that anyone can get clean, and stay clean.

To Banana or Not to Banana?

Hey Everyone!

So, whilst embarking on my new life, I have completely changed my thought process around a heathy lifestyle.

I now realise what I don’t like and don’t want- I will never know what I want!

So firstly I wanted to get fit. I know that’s what everyone says, beginning a new chapter in my life. However for me this was a big step. Suffering from an Eating Disorder, I just wanted to be skinny, the skinniest person in the room.

Now I want to be fit- even if that meant putting on weight- something that has been my biggest fear.

So I heard from my sisters, this craze on Instagram known as ‘The Kayla Movement’. A 28 minute Resistance training phenomenon. I checked out ‘Kayla Itsines’ and saw these amazing transformations-and I wanted that!

On 5th January 2015, I started the movement along with over a million other girls (and boys) in my mission to get fit with 3, 28 minutes of exercise a week (plus adding in HIIT and LISS training 2-3 times a week) and eating healthily! Thanks to Kayla, I have completed the first #bikinibodyguide and I am restarting it. I love it. I am completely hooked!

This is where I decided, if I was going to do this, I need to go all in-NO holding back! I heard people talking about ‘protein shakes’ and whey protein. I knew guys had it but thought that was to build huge muscles ( I’m slightly uneducated about all this nutrition stuff, I’m learning as I go!)

Being a vegetarian for the last 12 years, I was very concious to the fact that I would be eating an animal. The reason why I became a veggie was I hate the idea of animals being killed for us humans. So this was a big step for me. It was difficult, but I decided that chicken was the easiest meat to start introducing back into my diet. I don’t think of it as ‘chicken’ though, to me it is ‘protein’. That’s it, just a good source of Protein.

I’m not going to venture into other meats because I am not comfortable with that, I don’t want that in my body. (I get all my recommended daily nutrition with fresh sources of fruit and vegetables, carbs and/or vitamins.)

Since starting to eat chicken, I have been able to start eating other foods I have never liked! Such as:

• Oats- to me they had no taste and the texture was awful.
• Blueberries-A funny after taste that lingered for a while
• Honey-This seriously is used as a ‘sugar’ supplement, ha no chance.

I now have all 3 of these by 8:30am everyday! I never even used to like breakfast, I hated to eat, and if I choose to eat breakfast instead of dinner I was hungrier? How is that?!? Now I look forward to my breakfast. Its the most important meal of the day and I love putting different fruits in, completely changing it from day to day! I even add them to my protein shake for an extra shot of goodness!

So going back to the reason I am writing this blog?

Bananas are so healthy for you, they are those ‘good fats’ that nutritionists are talking about.  ‘Bananas are one of the best sources of resistant starch, a healthy carbohydrate that keeps you feeling fuller longer.’ Not only that, but it helps with weight-loss, getting your daily fibre requirements in (One 6-inch banana has more than 2.5 grams of total fibre) Supports heart and eye health (which when you are getting towards 30, is a big deal!)

I may have persuaded you, but I am not sure if I have persuaded myself. I will however try it!

I’ll keep you posted.

Luluhttps://instagram.com/p/0-Nq9hqvpP/?taken-by=lucyamelia21

How it began…

I had suffered from addiction since I was 13 years. It just was in a different form. I suffered with an Eating disorder, long before alcohol came into my life.

Looking back on it, it was literally like a switch. Snap. My mind set had changed. I used to love eating food, never thought of the ‘consequences’. The size of my body never came across my mind when I looked in a mirror. That was just me. I had two arms, two legs, one head with lots of curly hair. (Probably the only thing I never really liked anyway)

Then  I watched a movie with The ‘Olsen twins’. It was then, that I realised I didn’t look like them. I didn’t have long, blonde luscious hair that was always immaculate. (I was 13- I was aware of make-up artist and hair stylist on stand by) What I really noticed was I wasn’t the same size as them.

I went from being a happy kid, who would climb trees, cause mischief with the neighbours. Go on long cycle rides or sneak it to private property woods- to a shell of person. I would constantly look in the mirror, taking a mental note of everything I didn’t have and what those ‘Olsen Twins’ did.

It was then I realised a was repulsed by what I saw. Physically repulsed. I was 13 years old.

That’s when self harming became the norm for me. Whether it was mental torturing and bullying myself, cutting myself, starving myself or constantly exercising. I couldn’t stop. It wasn’t just the way I looked either. It was my brain, I hated that dumb thing that just sits between my ears. My usual thought process was I’m ugly, I’m fat, I’m dumb. I have nothing. I am worthless. No one likes me. No one loves me. On repeat for about 11 years.

It never really goes away I don’t think. Eating disorders. They are conniving and cunning. They pull you in to a false security that you are well, and then you realise you are far from it and haven’t eaten for two to three days

If you have an additive personality and also a competitive one, like I do,  it’s a lot harder to overcome. I am still working on this alongside my recovery from Alcohol Addiction. I’m getting there, but its a long battle.

https://instagram.com/p/Noe-V1Kvsh/?taken-by=lucyamelia21.

This is me at 45-46 kg and still wanting to be ‘lighter’

Hello world!

So here goes. My first ever blog. Scary.

I have decided to start writing a blog not because it seems to be what is #trending at the moment, but because I changed the way I live my life, and I wanted to share my experience.

What is in this blog is from my own personal experiences and my own opinions.